So I started this blog in hopes of giving myself a personal space to speak my mind about what's been going on in my head since Rome. Makes me upset I did not keep up with my blog while abroad, especially because it once again has to do with my laziness. Oh well, part of this is to figure out how to curb my lethargy and expand my horizons beyond the social ones I have been working on over the past several years.
Every since coming back from Rome, my head has been swirling with accussations against myself for being so afraid of being on my own. There is almost never a time when I would not rather have someone by my side while I'm doing almost anything. Whether it is a quick run to the store or just watching tv between classes, I will rarely turn down an offer for someone to join me in my activities, or to join someone else in theirs. Then I started to ponder why I would feel this way, what makes me always want to be around other people and never leave time for myself (a thought I weakly began consideration of while at the end of my Roman adventure). I came to the conclusion it was a lack of a hobby, a passion. I have friends here that love the guitar and can play all day and night. I have a buddy that has found a love for photography and art and is beginning to really dedicate himself to that. When it comes down to it, i just realized that, "shit, what can I say I enjoy doing when no one else is around, or even a unique passion that I can do around others." (okay so not exactly in those words, but if I could even rememer how it really went, I'd probably bore you with my minds rambling)
That brings us to the last couple nights, nights that Ive spent usually with some friends, or my roommate, enjoying a bowl of water together. Lately, they too have been conversing with me on the passions of their world, and the time and effort they plan on dedicating to their cause. And all the while there's me, with all my social obligations (and this is not to say I feel obligated to be social, in fact I love it, so much so Ive never questioned this idea before) and no time to give any sort of commitment to an internal desire.
This has brought me to contemplate what my next move is, time is of the essence, but time also IS the essence. My roommate insists I try a variety of things and see what brings me happiness. I agree, though I can not even picture myself so devoted to a hobby as he is. But I will try, try to at least give myself a new method of expressings my emotions. It has been said that many hobbies are just methods of expression of who we are, what we believe in, what we stand for, not merely a way to distract us from the wild nature of our world. For all my life I have expressed myself to others, whether it be by sharing stories from past experiences or debating current events or shooting ideas back and forth on how our world works, but I feel its time now to be more intimate with myself rather than exclusively with others.
Wish me luck, Im usually not able to stay too passionate for too long
